Lessons Learned

I have had the urge to record some of my deepest feelings but have not been able to come to some kind of organization with my thoughts.  I guess I will start typing and see where it takes me.

Each year I feel I have to pass through this gate of remembrance.  It starts weighing on me a few days before Lincoln's birthday until I sit down and take the time to ponder and reflect on what I am doing with the promptings and assurances I received 8 years ago.  I love to reread the account I recorded of my experience delivering a still-born child.  Though I am not an avid journal writer and this blog is pretty much my current journal, I will be forever grateful that I felt compelled to write it down.  It is nice to remember the details and the chronology but the biggest gem is really about the feelings and emotions that were mine.  To an outsider it may be unbelievable to see how one could feel so much comfort, love and support from their Savior in the middle of a tragedy but I would like to shout from the rooftops that the Atonement is real, Jesus suffered so we don't have to.  We just need to allow him to heal us.

I was sad.  That I can not deny.  I waited 5 years to get Douglas.  I waited 4 1/2 more years for Stockton.  We checked into adoption.  I wondered why it was so difficult for us when everything seemed to be normal.  Russell was watching the April General Conference and felt prompted that we would have another child.  That month I found out I was expecting Lincoln.  Him and Stockton would be 2 1/2 years apart.  That was unheard of for us.  The disappointment I could have felt when we learned he was a boy was only excitement.  I was ready for that baby.   I needed that baby.  But, Heavenly Father needed him more.  I felt so alone in the hospital.  My husband would go home at night to take care of the boys and I was there, in the darkness, waiting to wake from my bad dream.  Every time I slipped into sleep I would find myself awakened by my own tears.  It was almost unbearable when they told me I had to stay another night due to a blood transfusion.  I had the normal post delivery things to deal with, bleeding, cramping, engorgement.  It seemed very unfair but I maintain and can't deny that I know this was all part of God's plan for me and my family.  I was able to have faith, receive comfort and move on.  Perhaps the biggest trial came in the years to follow.

I didn't want that delivery to be the last thing I had to remember my child bearing years.  I wanted a happy ending.  So, I tried to convince Russell and myself that we would have another one.  I told Heavenly Father that was what I wanted.  I promised him I would be a good mom if he would give me one more child.  The years ticked by.

It weighed me down constantly.  I thought my will was in line with the Father's but things just weren't happening.  I was praying and going to the temple and fasting but it was out of my control.  We talked of adoption, again. We could go to Russia and get a little girl.  It just didn't feel right.  Things didn't come together and I was still feeling like our family wasn't complete.  But, what was I to do?

It hit me like a ton of bricks while I was in the temple.  Russell and I needed to get priesthood blessings.  That was the answer I was given that day.  As I discussed it with Russell we agreed on the one person we knew had to do it, one of our dearest friends.  We prepared by fasting.  He told us, through our blessings, that there were spirits waiting to come to our home.  I felt 5 years of burdens lifted from my shoulders.  I trusted myself more with the feelings I had been having that our family was not complete.  Within weeks we found out I was expecting, just like that.

We got through the scary time.  Twice, our bishop took us to his office to take an early peek and put our minds at ease that all was well and it was.

The second time we tried to tell the sex of the baby but we couldn't get it to uncross it's legs.  We couldn't even get it to move.  It was in a deep sleep.  That was at 16 weeks.  At 18 weeks we went to our regularly scheduled ultra-sound and was told...again...there was no heartbeat.  They estimated the baby had died 2 weeks earlier.  I broke down and sobbed.  "I can't do this again" was the first thing I remember saying to Russell.  The blessing of this second time was that I didn't have to deliver.  The baby was still small enough to do a D&E.  I wish I could have gone immediately into the surgery room to get that taken care of but I was sent home for the night with that lifeless child still inside of me.  That was a really long night.  I hoped the recovery would be easier than it was with Lincoln but severe cramps and engorgement left me very uncomfortable.  I took some pain pills and slept.  I can understand how one could turn to this kind of escape in times like these but I knew there was a better way.  Once again I relied on my faith for peace and comfort.  I was a little perplexed as to why I was promised a child only to lose one again.  With how hard it was to conceive I wondered how many more years it would take before our family would be complete.  I felt like I was back at square one.  I was discouraged but I wasn't hopeless.

It was only 3 short months later when I again found out I was pregnant.  I was happy but guarded.  I spent the entire pregnancy that way.  Once again, a boy!  (Remember this is 4 times now I was told I was having a boy.  I am certain our little baby X as my boys like to call it was my one shot at a girl:))  By this time I knew that I was not in control so I tried my hardest not to fill my life with worry.  That is one of the most important things I have come away with from my experiences of the last 8 years.  Put your trust in God, have faith that he knows you and knows what is best for you and let the rest fall into place.  I believe that is sometimes the only way to press forward.  Words can not describe the joy I felt when a pink and lively Mason was placed into my arms.  I finally had my happy ending.

So my anniversary of lessons learned from Lincoln turned into the history of my child bearing years.  I knew I wasn't sure where this story would take me!  I guess, in summary, I want my children and grandchildren who will someday be reading this to know that during some of the hardest times of my life, I turned to the Savior.  I was able to be comforted and have faith.  My prayers were not answered in my time frame or in the way I thought they would be but through great effort and patience, they were answered.  I am happy to put those baby years behind me now.  I am glad I am looking back instead of plowing through but I also know it was only one short chapter in my life.  I still have a need for unwavering faith.  It is the most peaceful way to live.  I also know that angels on earth are sent to us as answers to prayers.  We need to act when we are prompted to do so.  I was surrounded by so many people that gave me what I needed at just the right times...a visit, a bowl of fruit, a phone call, a pat on the back, a letter in the mail.  I have since tried to be mindful of the things others are going through and what kind of comfort they may need. I often get so wrapped up in my own little world that I don't have time for others.  I need to do better.

I am not the only one that has been through hard things.  Many of my friends and family have been and are going through great challenges and I admire their examples of faith and courage.  They continue to inspire me.  I hope writing my story will be something I can read as a reminder of the positive things I have taken away from these life lessons because life really is good:).